Blind Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Pink Suit Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said.

"I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me.Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

No Problem

A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop.

"How can I help you?" asked the stylist.

"I went for a hair transplant," the guy explained, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you $5,000."

"No problem," said the stylist, and he quickly shaved his head.

I hung him up to dry

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office.

"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom，he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."

Five Hundred Times

In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light.

She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eye.

"You are a school teacher, eh?" said he.

"Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times."

Your horse called

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I bet on." She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."

Bad news and good news

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display.

"I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied.

"The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?".

With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

It worked

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work.

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning.

He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"

Life after death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.

"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

Endearing terms

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner.

Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, and you keep calling your wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered," To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago."

Honest？

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

St Peter's question

Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter.

St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven.

He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?"

The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through.

He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?"

Fortunately the accountant had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!".

St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!".

Want a day off

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies.

"I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

You can marry any one of them

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him.

After talking to him for a while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother.

The same problem happens again four more times!

The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life?

Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

Class, Lass and Ass

Professor Tom was going to meet his students on the next day, so he wrote some words on the blackboard which read as follows: "Professor Tom will meet the class tomorrow."

A student, seeing his chance to display his sense of humor after reading the notice, walked up and erased the "c" in the word "class."

The Professor noticing the laughter, wheeled around, walked back, looked at the student, then at the notice with the "c" erased--calmly walked up and erased the "l" in "lass", looked at the flabbergasted student and proceeded on his way.

Business just started

A young businessman had just started his own firm.

He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office.

Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.

He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said,

"Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

A Hasty Interruption

The fine-furniture store where I work has been in business since the 1920s.

Recently I received a call from a woman who wanted to replace some chairs from a dining set purchased from us in the 1930s.

I assured her we could help and sought the assistance of the office manager.

"You'll never believe this one, " I told him." I just got a call from a customer who bought some chairs from us in the 1930s. "

Before I could finish repeating her request, he interrupted and said, "Don't tell me she hasn't received them yet!"

He never heard a thing

Working at the post office, I'm used to dealing with a moody public.

So when one irate customer stormed my desk, I responded in my calmest voice, "What's the trouble?"

"I went out this morning," she began, "and when I came home I found a card saying the mailman tried to deliver a package but no one was home.

My husband was in all morning. He never heard a thing!" After apologizing, I got her parcel.

"Oh, good," she gushed. "We've been waiting for this for ages." "What is it?" I asked. "My husband's new hearing aid."

Parking Expenses

A businessman walked into a New York City bank and asked for the loan officer.

He said he was going to Europe on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000.

The loan officer said the bank would need some security for such a loan.

The business man then handed over the keys to a Rolls Royce that was parked on the street in front of the bank.

Everything checked out and the loan officer accepted the car as collateral for the loan.

An employee then drove the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parked it there.

Two weeks later the businessman returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest which came to $15.41.

The loan officer said, "We do appreciate your business and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a bit puzzled. While you were away we checked and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The business man replied: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for 2 weeks for 15 bucks?"

Talking clock

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

"What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That is the talking clock," the man replied.

"How's it work?"

"Watch," the man said and proceeded to give the gong an ear shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Knock it off, you idiot! It's two o'clock in the morning!"

A photo of my wife

A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

Poisonous snakes

A father and son snake are out for a nice afternoon slither.

The son asks, "Dad，are we poisonous snakes?"

The father replies proudly, "Yes son, we are rattler snakes! Why do you ask son?"

"Because DAD, I just bit my tongue!!"

Problem with gas

A little old lady goes to the doctor ... and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much.

They never smell and are always silent.

As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office.

You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent.

The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly." The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."

Psychiatrist

Jerry went to a psychiatrist.

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "

Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears.

" How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit." I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.

Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

For a hundred bucks a visit?

The bartender cured me for $10.

"Is that so! How?"

He told me to cut the legs off the bed!" Ain't nobody under there now!!!

Time Is Money

As the taxi came to a screeching halt at a traffic light,I asked the driver,"Do you agree that 'Time is money'?"

"Well,it's a very common saying.

Who will care so much about that?"the driver answered .

"Look,the digits in the meter are still running when the car has stopped,"I pointed at the meter.

"Oh.yes.You've got a point here,In this case,time is money for both of us,"added the driver.