.

Blind Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date.

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Pink Suit Sale

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said.

"I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me.Why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his guide dog bit me."

No Problem

A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop.

"How can I help you?" asked the stylist.

"I went for a hair transplant," the guy explained, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you $5,000."

"No problem," said the stylist, and he quickly shaved his head.

I hung him up to dry

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.

One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office.

"Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom,he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry."

Five Hundred Times

In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light.

She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes.

A wild gleam came into the judge's eye.

"You are a school teacher, eh?" said he.

"Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times."

Your horse called

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I bet on." She shrugs and walks away.

Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"

She answers, "Your horse called."
Google